Oh, Back To School, Back To School

September 8, 2015

Fall Table Decor

September 10, 2015

Committing to My Crazy

September 9, 2015

Committing to my crazy is all I’ve got these days.

I’ve been pretty quiet in my last few posts about how I am actually handling my last baby’s departure from the nest.

Hard. Extremely hard. To say the least.

Last year, I would tear up at the mention of Evelyn going off to 1/2 day kindergarten and as soon as 1/2 day turned to FULL day (without a 1/2 day option) I lost it. The only thing that got me through was trusting that this must be the Grand Master’s plan. And as I still put my faith in that thought, it does not make the countdown any easier.

I put my older two girls on the Middle School bus yesterday morning and I thought… Oh I’m so proud of myself. Sure, I embarrassed them with lots of photos and gushing n such but no tears. Granted I shed my ugly-cry last week as I watched my 6th grader walk cautiously into the middle school by herself for a morning orientation. But I was pretty impressed with my composure during the annual back-to-school mommy coffee.

Until yesterday afternoon.

Evie and I enjoyed coffee and playtime over at Cate’s, made it to school just in time for her Kindergarten screening appointment and home for a late lunch. As we walked down to grab the mail together, as we so often do since we are attached at the hip; I started experiencing what I think was a mild panic attack. Now I’m no expert because I’ve never felt anything like this. But my chest tightened ~ my heart palpitations were pumping wildly in my throat ~ I was gasping for air as I thought about this mundane everyday moment and how it would never be again. It’s hard to explain but a sense of uneasy panic rushed through my veins. We made it two steps back inside the doorway and I burst into tears. Again. I’m a tad bit worried I might be seriously going loco. {Praying I don’t take Ev with me on this crazytrain. I’ve clearly done a horrible job at keeping it together for her sake!} Evie consoled me with a song {I quickly pulled out my phone and videoed it…yes I’m that nutso}. Since I had my phone in my hand and clinically insane ideas running through my brain I texted my husband and said We need another baby. Now! He of course was all up for ‘trying’ but No he was not on board with my irrational thoughts. I conceded easily knowing it was just the insanity speaking. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I dried my tears and Evie and I went for a walk. Awhh… fresh air. It was a beautiful afternoon to giggle and enjoy each other’s company before greeting the big girls and hearing all about their first day of school.

Soooo if you see me this week with smeared eyeliner, a snot encrusted nose and staring off into space, please ignore me.

Evelyn starts full day kindergarten tomorrow. I’ll be Ok next week. I promise.
Dark Denim Dark DenimDark DenimDark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark Denim Dark DenimAnn Taylor Loft plum top // antler tip necklace from the Wild Ruffle shop // Hudson jeans // gap skinny belt // H&M fringe handbag // Franco Sarto metallic sandals

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5 comments

  1. I can relate to the emotions that you’re going thru. I sent off my youngest to kindergarten yesterday and even though I did not shed tears, my hurt ached a little as I walked out of her classroom. I love the color of that top and those jeans fit you perfectly. Hopping over from the What I Wore linkup.

  2. Oh man. I had to laugh at “have another baby.” I am now past that point and couldn’t imagine going through that all again. I am getting to a certain age where it probably wouldn’t be possible anyway. Recently, I have been having a recurrent dream that I am pregnant. I wake up very glad it’s not true. I think it’s my subconscious telling me something? They do grow up too fast. As we were waiting for the bus this morning, I told my 4th grader that I will be sad when she starts middle school because I won’t go to the bus stop with her. I still have this year and next though. Hang in there. It will get better. Evie sounds like such a sweetheart to try to make her mama feel better with a song. And love the deep purple color and the of-the-moment fringe bag. I need something fringe.

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