I just returned from the most horrifying of all tasks one does right before heading to a warm weather destination – swim suit shopping.
And though this item on the to-do list is always a daunting one, this year it’s particularly awful. Why, you ask? Because swimwear seriously sucks right now.
Designers, what are you thinking? Oh, it looks adorable on the hanger. The bright mixed prints were totally calling my name. But the fit? Ugh.
I went to four different stores and tried approximately 1,068 swim suits. Give or take a few.
There is literally zero support built into any of the styles out there in stores right now. I’m a 32DD. And since this chest was God given and not purchased, it means that I need a little help holding them up these days. I hit 40 last year, and everything starting heading south.
Nobody needs to see these things knocking around my knees as I take a walk with my kiddos on the beach. These breasts need a wire, or a halter, heck – anything that’ll hike them up just a bit to prevent them from flopping.
Instead, take a look inside every swim wear store right now, and you’ll see rows and rows of 4-way stretch fabric scraps tied together in a little front knot. Fantastic on a 20 something body, still smooth and supple and perky. But my ladies have fed three small people, and perky is nowhere on their radar anymore.
The other issue? The bottoms. Why is everything super tiny down there? No one is interested in seeing my butt crack, last time I checked. And they certainly don’t want to look at the entirety of my cheeks.
Perhaps most people hit this stage of life and just stop getting in the pool. Maybe they stop buying suits. I guess I could sit in the sand with my coverup on and watch my children blissfully splash around in the water.
But I don’t want to! I want to be the mom who plays with her kids without fear that one of my out of control boobs are going to swing wildly and take one of them out should I make a sudden turn whilst wearing my tiny unsupportive tops. And I definitely don’t want to hide away. Designers, you can do better! You CAN come up with something cute and fashionable and provide some decent support and coverage.
By the way, shout out to my girl Jessica Simpson – the only reason I was able to purchase any new suits for my trip. She gets me. Jessica knows what it’s like to be a real body in a swim suit.